Fuck My Life

I cant take this shit anymore... im going fucking crazy and its makeing me depressed and sad and angry and im just pissed...

I barley get to see becca now, the rest of summer break im still barly gonna get to see her... i love her to death but i really dont think she cares anymore... i love her more than life itself, and i always will... i want to spend the rest of my life with her, but the way shes been acting lately, makes me think that im screwing up her life, that im just a burden and that im gonna screw up her dream of denison college and living in a dorm and all that...

everything in my life was perfect untill the damn states for me and her both... the states screwed up my life... the life that i liked and the life that i want back... the life where me and becca were in the perfect relationship, where i didnt feel like shit about being with her... where i didnt feel like i was being a burden... now it feels like she barley wants to see me, like she dosnt want to be with me, like im just a pass by guy... something to keep her company untill she goes to college... thats what i feel like... she didnt seem sad when i told her i might have to move, she didnt seem like she cared when i wasnt feelin alright, im halfway in tears just cause my life sucks so bad right now... i just want it all to be over...

I love that girl so much... and i hope she still feels the same about me

You cant save me

Im not in to good a mood lately... i miss becca so much... the states is fun and all... but my sister and her husband keep arguing about the most random stuff... and its kinna annoying...

Becca is with her grandparents now... i miss her so much... she means everythiung to me and i dont know what i would do with out her... but i dont know what is going on... she dosnt act like she misses me, dosnt reply to my messages or emails... didnt call me like she said she would... i cant sleep... i cant eat right... everything that is going on keeps reminding me of her and i dont know what the heck is going on anymore...im so scared you have no idea...

Well im prolly off to Border Control next year, prolly around mid june... and i have been talking to becca, she said she wants to go with me to one of the 4 states for 2 years then go to her college... and i would go to the same state as her... but she tells her friends she wants to go to Denison and tells me that she wants to get a dorm... i want to live with her and i will give up border control in a heart beat if i know that she actually wants to stay with me and i would go to Ohio just to do that, i would do college, find a job, and then join the police force once im 23... i dont know what im gonna do... i need to talk to her when i get back and find out whats going on...

today i got back from project revolution, that was freakin amazing, but i wasent as hyped as i should have been... brent couldnt come, my sister and her husband got into a fight htis morning, and becca didnt call me like she said she would... and becca not calling me like she said she would kinna made me really... sad/depressed...

I dont know what becca did today, but when i checked myspace when i got home, she had on her status that she was 'amazing'... and i got all freaked out... she normally only says that after makeing love, or after kissing me... or anything that has to do with only doing with her boyfriend... im so freakin scared and sad... fuck my life...

when becca goes back to school im gonna have to visit alot... i miss her so much... and that all the time... so i cant wait for the 2nd of august... when i get to hang out with her... i love her...

I love her so much... i dont think anyone understands... im hopeing to marry her... i have never felt this way, and i would fight for even a 1% chance to stay with her forever... i dont know what to do... i love her so much...

Put a bounty on my Head

Well... Random title that i heard in a song... but not much is really up right now... im in love with the most amazing person in the world... she is perfect for me, she loves me back... she means everything to me... and i dont know what i would do without her... she is flat out the best person i know... and i love her to death...

Me and Becca were chilling and talking... and i really hope she knows i love her more than anything... i will never leave her... and i hope she never leaves me or cheats on me in any way... i dont know what i would do if she did...

Just the other day, lunch was kinna wierd, like first i annoyed her and then i was calmish... but i was showing to much PDA and she didnt like it... and the note that she wrote in History, made me think she was breaking up with me... i was so scared i dont know how to describe it...my entire body was shaking, i have never felt that fear before... and i hope i dont again... 

The way she has changed my life... i hope it stays like this forever... cause she is deffinatly the one...

I Love her so much... i dont know if she understands... or if she knows that she really is everything to me...

Sad/Depressed/Scared

Sad = Becca couldnt come over today.

Depressed = Becca said yesterday that it would be ok if she came over, and i was happy about that but her and her dad got in a fight this morning and ended up she couldnt comeover, im depressed because i was just looking so forward to holding her, just laying on the couch and cuddeling, just being with her at all... i was just looking so forward to it, and got all hiped up about it, and it crashed... i have a knot in my stomach and im really sad... i just want to curl up in a ball and hide till tommorow morning...

Scared = Im just so scared that Becca is going to leave me or do something with someone else...i dont know what i would do with out her... today she said she missed me and she wishes we could hang out more, and i felt like she was thinking about breaking up with me cause we dont hang out much... dunno... But im really scared to lose her... and i just wish she would say shes never going to leave me... or something just to reassure me...

Well thats me right now... i dont know what else to write about, cant really think right now...

so ill get back tommorow or the day after...

Spaghetti and Meatballs

Well im eating spaghetto and meatballs right now... kinna gives off the name... but this is really here to talk about yesterday and today...

Yesterday, school... pretty boring stuff... i hate school... besides that i get to see friends its pointless... But after school was fun! me and becca chilled at brents and fell asleep on the couch together, it was nice, i love falling asleep next to her... couldnt imagine anything better... then we went to becca's house and ate dinner... then we chilled around and watched 'Bee Movie' then headed to PHV to watch a moive "the Great Debaters" which wasnt bad, but not to good either... and i just loved all of Friday cause i got to spend most of it with Becca! and i love spending time with her more than anything... its one of the best things to do... Then i got home at about 1:00 in the morning, and got online and my sweetheart was there... and i just love how she talks sometimes, like the ways she says i love you... and just everything about her... she is so perfect in every way...

Today i was sposed to hang out with becca... but her parents are being complete A-Hole's and not letting her come over to chill with me... I miss her so much right now... i just want to hold her and never let go... I was sposed to go to brents house tonight... but hes so wipped by ethan hes gonna end up goin with him somewhere... so me and dee both said fuck it and dees comin to crash at my place... Brent is sp wipped... and its by a dude... horrible... honestly... ethan can kiss my ass... he was cooler when he didnt think he was the shit and didnt take control of people and didnt plan shit out, he was cooler when he just liked to chill... then he was awesome to hang out with...

Now to my love life... Im in love with the most amazing and perfect girl ever... she means everything to me... there's no doubt... she is my one and only, my everything... and i love her more than life itself... me talk about it all the time... and there nothing more that i want then to spend the rest of my life with her... she is the person i want to wake up next to every morning and fall asleep next to every night... the one i want to see walking down the isle at me, and the one i put the ring onto... I Love You Rebecca D. Jost... more than life itself...

Lovin Life or Life of Love?

So today was pretty awesome! i liked today... didnt have to wake up untill 9:00, left at 9:30 with the bus to heidelberg then to school, got there for lunch and hung out with the guys and Becca... Lol Bri kept trying to talk to Brent, and i kept trying to save him... then i dropped and fell on the floor... kinna hurt... but funny... but saved him for like 5 min... poor brent... haha

Then it was off to... History! lol i hate that class... but today wasnt that bad... survived... mostly cause i have Becca right there... Today was a little wierd though... not like yesterday... just like... had the feeling that i did something and Becca was re-thinking our relationship... but she said she wasnt... and i trust her with my life... so i beleive her... and then we talked about how we both wanted to spend the rest of our lifes together... Then we talked about College, and i really hope she does stay here with me... atleast for the first like 2 years of college... then, what im hopeing happens, we both go back to Colorodo together, since we both like it there, and go to the rest of our college there... well thats what i hope happens... i dont know if thats what she wants...

After that, video comm... kinna boring... but thats ok...

then L.A. 12... Oliver wrote this kick ass parody for our project... Funny as hell!

then home, where i get this message on myspace... it was so amazing... made me all melty inside... Becca told me she loved me, and it was just amazing, she thinks i dont know how much she loves me or that i dont understand it... but i do... i really do.. or i hope i do, cause i love her more than anything in the world... she'll never know how much because it is never ending...

Besides that... i cant wait for tommorow... Movie with Becca! YAY

And Saturday... im really looking forward to her coming over... i hope she can...

I was thinking... if i buckel down and do my drivers test... and pass it on monday, i could eaisly have my licence in like 2 weeks... or less... so thats prolly what my sunday will consist of... 

besides that i also need to do my online course...

well thats my day... im hopeing i can sleep in untill 9:00 tommorow and miss auto tech... then just go to personal finance... oh well...

Once in the future...

Well today was interesting kinna, Woke up at 10:45 and decided we have 15 min if we were gonna go to school... so we cruised to school with a hangover and went to school all day... which sucked... i got to personal finance like 20 min late... oh well Ms. James didnt care... then I was talking with Becca! YAY that made me happy... We started talking about stuff, and made me think about a few things... ill get to that later in my post...

Last night was amazing... we had 4L sunshine, 24 Becks, 24 MGD, and 2 5L Kegs... AMAZING... lol funny as hell... Dave was drunk, as usual... we all woke up with a hangover...

Im so inlove with Becca... There is no doubt i love her more than anything... Im always thinking about her, and i just cant get enough of her... Im sad she couldnt come today, she had a Chem study group to go to... which is good, keep her grades up... so im hopeing she can come over tommorow... 

We were talking about stuff, and just like... i dunno, but when she talks about her future, it dosnt sound like she expects me to be there... i want to spend the rest of my life with her, and it just feels wierd when she talks about it like that... Dunno...

I was in one of my paranoid moods today, i hate having that... and i could tell becca didnt like it...

I am so inlove with this girl... GAH... i dont think she even knows, i want to spend the rest of my life with her, grow old with her, be the one she comes home to and the one that i get to see walk down the isle towards me.... the one i get to put the ring on, and have forever... she means everything to me, absolutly everything in the world... i love her so much... ive been gone from her for only like an hour now and i already miss her...

Im proud of her! shes on a german team for tennis! thats awesome, only downside is that she wont be able to hang out as much, she has to practice everyday after school... so i get her on sundays at like 13:00 and saturdays at like 16:00... i was thinking too... theres gonna be german guys, and she thinks the german language is really really hot, so... but its ok... i trust her not to cheat on me, even though i might have my paranoia days every here and there... I dont know what i would do if i lost her... and i REALLY hope she means it when she says well spend forever together... i dont know how to tell if she does or not... but i hope so... 

Well not much else on my mind... i have to completly redo my iPod, screwed up a bit... takes like an hour though... so np... then mabys some of my online course... and by then becca should call me and ill be happy...